Faith, Trust, and the Spiritual Path
This post consists of a dharma talk shared as a guest teacher with the Triangle Insight Meditation Community on December 18th, 2019. The talk was shared following a period of guided meditation, and culminated in a group discussion.
Thank you all so much for sharing in the practice together. I feel humbled and blessed to be here with you all tonight. As I offer this talk, I ask that you please just take what is useful for you, and if you hear something that does not resonate, feel free to question it, and also to just let it go.
The topic I’d like to explore with you all tonight, is faith. What it means to have faith, what happens when you don’t, and how faith or a lack thereof has been showing up for me on my spiritual path. I’ve been interested in this topic recently for a very simple reason. I’ve been experiencing a lack of faith in my life and practice. I am not speaking about faith as a belief in God, or as a state defined by not asking questions, or as adherence to a belief system, or as submission to an external authority.
What is the faith that I’m going to talk about tonight? Faith, defined by Oxford is “confidence or trust in a person, thing or concept.” with confidence being “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something” or “the state of feeling certain about the truth of something”. And trust being “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.”
So when I talk about faith, I’m talking about believing I can rely on something or someone. I’m talking about a feeling of certainty about the truth. This is what I’ve not been feeling recently, and what I’d like to explore this evening.
“I’ve found that my faith has gone missing non-specifically, towards most objects I’ve encountered, from the practice, to relationships, to myself, and ultimately to the divine.”
Now it seems that to talk about faith, it might be easier to have an example of the object of our faith so that it’s not so abstract. So in my own process I asked myself, what person, thing, or concept has been lacking in my faith recently? What’s interesting is that, as I’ve been working with this ongoing phenomenon - inquiring about my experience, approaching it with curiosity and kindness, gradually peeling back layers...I’ve found that my faith has gone missing non-specifically, towards most objects I’ve encountered, from the practice, to relationships, to myself, and ultimately to the divine. I have not felt that i can rely upon any of these things, and I’ve felt uncertainty about where lies Truth.
As I’ve been observing this trend, I’ve asked myself what this state is like. What does it feel like for a body, a mind, a heart to exist in a state without faith? I’ve observed the body as anxious, the mind as fearful and anticipatory, the heart as clenched with many defenses up, and ultimately an overall focus of the ego being in control. Control and protection. When lacking in faith, the being enters into defense mode. If it cannot trust goodness, if it cannot trust its own ability to handle challenges, if it cannot trust its relationships to show up when needed, and if it cannot trust the Divine to channel compassion and love, there is no way to guarantee safety and survival, and so the animalistic drive to survive comes forth to protect.
I’ve observed that in this state, it’s really difficult to simply abide. When on-edge, alert, mind constantly scanning for any potential dangers or harm, the heart feels squashed, and I observed the body at war with itself, angry and frustrated for being unable to relax and make room for the heart.
“One other thing I’ve noticed as a being temporarily-disconnected from faith, is that the heart feels absolutely desperate to feel love, and that the mind feels a profound sense of aloneness and disconnect, even when surrounded by friends.“
In seeing this I’ve been practicing spending time with the protective energy. Acknowledging what a vital role this energy plays in keeping me safe. And indeed thanking it for having such a compassionate concern for my wellbeing, while my faith channel is closed for construction.
One other thing I’ve noticed as a being temporarily-disconnected from faith, is that the heart feels absolutely desperate to feel love, and that the mind feels a profound sense of aloneness and disconnect, even when surrounded by friends. It’s like without faith there’s a loss of “object permanence” (do folks know? explain?) for things like friendships, romantic relationships, the state of tranquility, or love - if these things are not in direct view, the faithless mind rejects their existence. And so I have also observed my being reaching out and seeking the same validation again and again! Seeking constant assurance that things I need to survive have not spontaneously disappeared. A faithless mind almost resembles a baby’s mind, or a forgetful mind…
At this time I’d like to back up just a bit and briefly touch on a question that arose for me that may be arising for you, which is, What leads a faith channel to close for construction? It’s a huge question that I think can have as many answers as there are people, but just a few things that came to mind for me were doubt & skepticism - this might prevent faith from forming in the first place, if we’re always over-reliant on our cognitive or intellectual faculties to determine truth. Going along with those can be arrogance or simply assuming that we know best, if we’re in control, the outcome will be the best. This way of being may prevent us from surrendering to something greater than us like, the path, the practice, Holy beings, Blessings, or just unconscious access to your Buddhanature, whatever terminology resonate with you.
Another way though, that we can lose access to our faith channels is when we are taught not to trust. This could be our parents showing us as children that it is not safe to rely on anyone. It could be our society emphasizing a culture of individualism, radical self-reliance, paranoia about the ‘other’, and scarcity culture. Here’s a quote from Dr. Brene Brown (Daring Greatly):“Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when we’ve been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability), we’re angry and scared and at each other’s throats”
Brown says that the resulting formula of 3 components - shame, comparison and disengagement lead to a culture obsessed with and terrified of there not being enough, enough money, resources, jobs, awards, friendships, support, love. In essence, a culture that potentiates the idea that we cannot rely on or trust, or have faith in anything.
Our faith could also be rocked by despair, depression, betrayal, fear, and countless other factors
I won’t speculate about my own personal contributing factors but instead would like to steer this talk towards what feels most skillful; to me this is how to reconnect with faith. Not like a magazine headline like “how to get faith back and make him stay!” or “Reclaim your faith today!”...but a more gentle approach ...something like, ah, I’ve observed I’m disconnected from this energy. Let’s approach it with curiosity, ask ourselves again what it really is, what it is like, see if we can familiarize ourself with it or just the idea of it, and see where within us it might be found.
“This third, aspirational component of Saddha is most interesting to me, because to me it means, we must earnestly desire a complete experience of faith - a union with or surrender to the object - in order to feel faith. “
We’ll first look at it from the more traditional Buddhist perspective:
While the Pali word Saddha is often translated as ‘faith’ in Buddhist contexts, Sri Lankan monk Hammalawa Saddhatissa offered an alternative perspective, adapted from 4th century Buddhist philosopher Asanga. He translated Saddha as “confidence born out of conviction”, and describes it as a complex purifying mental factor made up of three components.
The first component is confidence is born out of understanding or conviction. This was something that had organically came up for me as I began asking myself where and how I might reacquaint myself with faith. What if I looked to teachings that I had previously learned, and experienced as True, through my own process of investigation?
The second component of Saddha described by Saddhatissa is reverence or esteem, described by Asanga as ‘serene joy’. To me this sounds like a feeling of “awe”, perhaps brought about by spending time with the object and becoming familiar with all its complexity and beauty.
The third component of Saddha, the one I find most interesting, is “an earnest hope of execution”, or in Asanga’s words, “aspiration or wish to achieve an object in view”. It seems that the specifics of this component will vary depending on the object. For example with the 4 noble truths, perhaps it is an aspiration to realize them fully and live in such wisdom. With a relationship object perhaps this step would mean giving ones heart fully to the other and aspiring to believe fully in their goodness.
This third, aspirational component of Saddha is most interesting to me, because to me it means, we must earnestly desire a complete experience of faith - a union with or surrender to the object - in order to feel faith. This is something I’m still very much processing, so I encourage y’all to speak up and offer your thoughts on that more during the discussion.
Let’s take a few minutes to feel out this 3-pronged approach to Saddha using the 3 marks of Existence for our example.
I’m going to briefly read about each mark of existence, and I invite you as you listen to pay attention to the arising of any confidence, awe or reverence, and aspiration. You can close your eyes if you like.
1. Annica - impermanence. Everything is constantly rising and falling away.
2. Dukkha - unsatisfactoriness, suffering, pain. So long as we exist in the cycle of birth, life, and death, there will be suffering.
3. Anatta - not-self. There is no permanent self or abiding essence.
As I sat and reflected on each of these, I did see that my heart recognizes each of these as Truths. Keep in mind this is just one example, and other teachings may create more of a feeling of confidence for you. I also felt a sense of awe. Finally, I do indeed experience an earnest desire to deeply realize these Truths - to develop an unshaken faith in them.
“…even though the sun of Buddha’s blessings is always shining, if our mind is shuttered by our lack of faith, few blessings can enter and our minds will remain cold and dark; but by developing strong faith our mind will open and the full sun of Buddha’s blessings will come pouring in.”
~Geshe Kelsang Gyatso
One other way we might approach faith is through Mahayana traditions that use faith practices to cultivate this trait:
For example, In my previous Tibeten tradition, faith-based practices were often taught through the lens of imagination: imagine that what is being taught is true, like playing make believe, and over time the imagery becomes real to the mind and affects it directly. As someone with a stubborn analytical mind that likes to try to analyze and understand everything, the idea of practicing faith through imagination did not initially appeal to me, but over time grew to be a regular part of my Kadampa practice. So in the midst of my current faith-crisis I returned to this practice from Geshe Kelsang Gyato’s book The Eight Steps to Happiness:
“...we need to receive the blessings of the holy beings. Unless our mind is watered by a rain of blessings, or inspiring energy, from the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, it will remain like a dry field in which the seeds of spiritual realizations sown through meditation are unable to grow. The way to receive blessings is to develop strong faith and devotion in the holy beings and request them to bless our mind. Just as rain can bring a desert to life, so if our mind receives the blessings of the holy beings our virtuous potentials will be activated and spiritual realizations will grow in our mind”
He goes on to say:
“Even when the sun is shining, if our house is shuttered only a little light can enter and our house will remain cold and dark; but if we open the shutters the warm rays of the sun will come pouring in. Similarly even though the sun of Buddha’s blessings is always shining, if our mind is shuttered by our lack of faith, few blessings can enter and our minds will remain cold and dark; but by developing strong faith our mind will open and the full sun of Buddha’s blessings will come pouring in. Faith is the life force of spiritual practice”
Whether I’m believing in the literal existence of holy beings existing among us or on parallel planes, or whether I’m more feeling that blessings arrive simply from our own inner Buddha Nature, such an imagination-based faith-training has been a hugely powerful practice for reconnecting me to feelings of faith. And so I recall that my missing faith might be located in faith-based practice, or in my imagination.
Since this is an Insight community that does not often hold space for faith-based practice, I want to offer y’all the opportunity to practice this for just a few moments: Visualize the holy beings, request them to bless your mind, you might imagine the blessings falling in the form of rain, and your mind as a desert. Or you might imagine the mind as a window, and any doubt or resistances that arises as curtains. Practice pulling them back to receive the sun of the Buddha’s blessings.
“Sharon Salzberg teaches that faith is about the relationship with the self. She defines faith as ‘trusting ourselves to discover the deepest truths on which we can rely’”
Now, I was left wondering is there a path I may use to approach faith in a broader sense, where the object is more fluid? As I mentioned, I’m not experiencing a lack of faith in a specific practice or teaching, so much as a non-specific faith gone MIA. Well, Sharon Salzberg teaches that faith is about the relationship with the self. She defines faith as “trusting ourselves to discover the deepest truths on which we can rely”.
Sharon says that it’s no coincidence that on the night the Buddha awakened, Mara’s last attack was on the Buddha’ faith in her own potential. That was the last test, the greatest challenge. Faith in her, Buddha’s, own worthiness.
Sharon also makes an interesting connection between faith and the unknown. She says, “With faith we can draw near to the truth of the present moment, which is dissolving into the unknown even as we meet it”
So to Sharon, something about faith allows us to surrender to not knowing. Something about faith helps us come live in the present moment. I think it has to do with feeling safe, supported, connected, and able. When we feel this way, we can begin to loosen that grip of control because it is no longer needed - we trust that we can greet and work with whatever arises with skill and grace.
“Take refuge in the Buddha, the dharma, and the sangha and you will grasp the Four Noble Truths...That is your best refuge, your only refuge. When you reach it, all sorrow falls away.”
~Dhammapada
As I’ve continued to peel back layers of the case of my missing faith, I have indeed observed patterns of self-condemnation, self-blame and worthlessness keeping me from having faith in my own worthiness, just as Sharon described. But when I went looking for love that might remedy this, I was stumped. I know all about the concept of “self-love” and “self-worth” and even “self-empowerment”, but I found myself asking the question, to where can I look to pour love into me, when I am lacking in faith?
My heart told me, God, the Divine, our shared consciousness, the Source, the universe, Goddess, the One, the Beloved - that’s where love comes from!
But alas, my faithlessness shook its head. “How can I have faith in the love of something that allows so much suffering?”
The Dhammapadda tells us “Take refuge in the Buddha, the dharma, and the sangha and you will grasp the Four Noble Truths...That is your best refuge, your only refuge. When you reach it, all sorrow falls away.”
I’ve read that passage again and again, and recently observed the mind swirling with questions in response: how can one trust that all sorrow will fall away when right now it’s here! It’s everywhere! How can one Trust a Divine that can be so dark, so cruel, so torturous? How to believe in love while also see the Truth of the experience of hate and separateness? How to believe in ultimate goodness while also aware of cruelty? How can all of this exist and I just have faith?!
It became clear to me, that when the mind enters this kind of cyclic frenzy, the intellect is not the tool for the job.
And so let us turn to art and immersed in the sweet words of Sufi mystic Hafiz. There I began to feel some answers, or at least, acceptance of the futility of the questions:
“If you don’t stop that”
I used to live in
A cramped house with confusion
And pain.
But then i met the Friend
And started getting drunk
And singing all
Night.
Confusion and pain started acting nasty,
Making threats,
With talk like this,
“If you don’t stop ‘that’-
All that fun-
We’re
Leaving.”
~Hafiz
“And then you are”
And then You are like this:
A small bird decorated
With orange patches of light
Waving your wings near my window,
Encouraging me with all of existence’s love-
To dance.
And then You are like this:
A cruel word that stabs me
From the mouth of a strange costume You wear;
A guise You had too long tricked me into thinking
Could be other- than You
And then You are…
The firmament
That spins at the end of a string in Your hand
That You offer to mine saying
“Did you drop this-surely
This is yours.”
And then You are, O then You are:
The Beloved of every creature
Revealed with such grandeur-bursting
From each cell in my body,
I kneel, i laugh,
I weep, i sing,
I sing.”
~Hafiz
I don’t know if faith can be grasped in dualistic terms, or even be pursued by an intellectual mind. Perhaps it’s more like magic - something that can only arise spontaneously from a sense of awe, earnest wishing, practice, and poetry.
I cannot say I’ve found my missing faith, or that its repairs are complete, but I do sense it stirring as I curiously approach it from different angles, while also honoring the energies that have moved into my being in its place for now.